24 The Lost Season
by Xintendation 360
Summary: Jack Bauer is awesome. This fanmade parodyganza of 24 repeatedly demonstrates how awesome he really is. Includes nukes, push ups, video games, frozen food, commercials, and text messages.
1. Chapter 1: Morning Routine

24 - The Lost Season: Chapter 1: Morning Routine

**Not much to say. I wrote a 24 parody. Hooray.**

The following takes place between 6:59 AM and 7:01 AM, man.

Jack Bauer, the awesome, was asleep. Tony usually had dreams that he went to school without his pants. Jack Bauer had dreams that he went to school without his bazooka. How embarrassing!

Anyway, this was Jack's absolute least favorite time of day…the last minute he sleeps. He would do all kinds of stuffs to try and make that minute longer. Fortunately, the minute _is_ pretty long to us. Heck, it's a whole minute!

Jack Bauer lives a dangerous life. Most people would be afraid to go to sleep when they live such a dangerous life, but Jack Bauer isn't. Most awesome-types sleep with one eye open, just in case, in their sleep, they're attacked by a whole lotta ninjas. Well, Jack Bauer doesn't do that. Jack Bauer sleeps with two eyes open.

What's Jack Bauer's bed like? Well you know how there's Queen-sized and King-sized? Well, Jack's bed is Bauer-sized.

Have you been reading this for about a minute? Fine, I guess it's about time for him to wake up.

'Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!'

An alarm clock? No, it's a nuke. Every night, Jack Bauer sets a nuke to explode at 7:01 AM, that way he'll have to motivation to get up and disarm it quickly, instead of just sitting there, listening to the alarm's buzzing…like you do.

Jack Bauer had a bad 24 season yesterday, so he was pretty tired still. He hit the nuke's snooze button.

The following takes place between 7:11 AM and 7:21 AM.

'Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!'

"Ugh…" Jack said, "Better save L.A."

Jack got out of his bed and walked up to the nuke. There was about ten seconds left on the timer. All you need to do was to sever the second blue wire while simultaneously completing the circuit of the gray wire and red wire and disconnecting the power source and unscrewing the 1Az Screw.

Jack felt a little groggy, so he decided to do it the easy way. The keypad had the usual numbers, and then at the bottom was a red button. This is the Jack Bauer Button. Jack pressed the Jack Bauer Button, and the nuke was disarmed.

Jack Bauer changed from his jammies to a pair of jeans and a black shirt. Standard uniform for a super-soldier. Then he took a walk to the kitchen to get breakfast.

Kids, Jack Bauer is healthy and strong because he knows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. So be smart! Eat breakfast!

Anyway, Jack Bauer took about five microwave chimichangas out of the freezer and tossed them all in the microwave for five minutes and thirty seconds.

After that, he left the house, shot about twenty terrorists, tortured his neighbor, and rescued a cat from a tree, all before the chimichangas were done.

Then he sat down with his chimichangas and a glass of chocolate milk and picked up the newspaper off of the table. No, he didn't get it off of the driveway. The paperboy knows to deliver it directly to Jack Bauer's table.

Anyway, the headlines were boring. The cover story for today was 'Los Angeles is Definitely not in Danger of Getting Blown up Today!'

Jack Bauer never read the headlines. Though he was quite capable of reading an entire page in ten seconds, he always skipped to the crosswords.

Why even read the clues? For each word, Jack just wrote 'Jack Bauer', and it was right.

So now what? Jack's entire morning is done (and the neighborhood is saved) in eight minutes. What's a superhero to do with the rest of his time?

Well, he goes into a commercial break, of course.

COMMERCIALNESS!

"ARE YOU FAT?" The announcer voice asked, "And are you tired of dieting, and too lazy to exercise? Well we're here to tell you that your fatness isn't your fault! Like road rage! Our top level high school freshman degree scientists have devised a magic pill that'll trim that fat away, leaving behind your true, not-fat self. So hide that scale of yours for an entire month to take our magic pills after every meal! Don't waste time! You've got nothing to lose except your fat and fourteen easy payments of only $19.95 plus tax and shipping and handling and tax! Plus, if you call within the next two minutes, you'll receive an absolutely free, virtually no-strings-attached SECOND BOX O' PILLS for your fat and ugly loved one! So call now! Your thinness is waiting!"

END OF COMMERCIALNESS!

The 24ness returns on screen to show Jack Bauer sitting at the table, playing paper football against himself. Both sides won, by the way.

Jack scratched his head. '_What to do?_'

He got out of the chair that he had been sitting in and took a walk (which was shot from three different camera angles) to the living room. In the living room was the ultimate entertainment system, containing a high-def plasma uber screen TV, a Tivo system that could fast-forward live television, some Japanese thing, and every gaming console known to man. Jack Bauer popped 24 : The Game into his Playstation 2 and sat down on his couch.

The following takes place between 7:30 AM and 7:30 AM.

He beat the game.

The following takes place between 7:30 AM and 8:58 AM.

Anyway, Jack's through doing the boring part of his morning, so he decided to work out. You know, just a couple of push-ups, one-handed push-ups, no-handed push-ups.

The following takes place between 8:58 AM and 8:59 AM.

He was only warming up when suddenly—his cell phone began playing the sound of an explosion. That, of course, meant that he had gotten a text-message.

Jack picked up his phone and read the screen.

"oMIGOSH JACK BOWR U NEED 2COM SAVE T3H WORLD!!!1"

Jack suddenly grew a dark and determined glare. He was now ready for action. He ran to the bathroom and shaved off the giant beard that he had accumulated in the time between 24 Seasons, which indicated that he was back in business.

**(A/n: What did you think? Good? Bad? Hated it? Gonna e-mail it to all your friends? I'd like to know, man. Review it! And please—tell me whether or not you'd like me to continue.)**


	2. Chapter 2: On the Job

24 – The Lost Season: Chapter 2: On the Job

**Hey, check it out. It's some kind of second chapter of some sort. It appears to be saying something. You'd better read it.**

The following takes place between 8:59 AM and 9:59 AM.

Jack normally bolts into CTU, getting there in practically no time at all. He probably lives next door, or something. Anyway, today was different.

"A traffic jam?" Jack moaned. "Who knew that something like _this_ could happen in L.A.?"

Most people would slump into their chair in resignation, and maybe read a book. Well for one thing, Bauer reads encyclopedias, and for another thing, Jack Bauer doesn't give up!

Jack Bauer swerved his car to the side, turning into a completely empty lane. The Bauer Lane.

He then realized that he hadn't done something totally uncalled-for yet in the best interest of L.A. He pulled over and stepped into a candy store. It was one of those cute little shops with the little bell that rang whenever the door opened.

'_What to do…_' Jack wondered. He spotted a child playing a Nintendo DS. He pointed to the kid and yelled, "Hey!"

The child looked towards Jack in confusion. It was strange for someone like Jack Bauer to be inside of the candy store.

"Gimme that!" Jack said as he snatched the gadget from the child's hand.

The child slumped down to the floor and began to cry.

Jack got back into his gigantic sports utility vehicle and drove off.

When Jack reached CTU, he realized he had made a terrible mistake! He saw everybody walking into the building in polo shirts and shorts. It was casual Friday!

"I guess I don't need this," Jack said as he took his black shirt off. Yes, that _was_ his CTU uniform, but you couldn't see the CTU symbol without a microscope.

He replaced his shirt with his 'I'm With Stupid' shirt (which pointed in all directions) and walked into the concrete fortress known as CTU.

Jack sat down in one of the cubicles, and began orchestrating a war with his collection of plastic army men.

"Oh, no!" The captain of the third infantry brigade cried, "They've got past out defenses!"

"Captain?" One of the soldiers said, "Joe's dead!"

"Oh, no!" The captain cried, "As of now, you've been promoted to lieutenant captain. Your first mission is to get me a burrito!"

"I can't! The burrito base is guarded by automated missile turrets!"

"You've gotten your mission! Don't fail me!"

"I have to go to the bathroom," Jack said to himself.

COMMERCIALNESS!

"Need to say something to that special loved one, and don't have the time to tell it to them?" The announcer voice said, "Perhaps you need to say 'happy birthday' or 'happy Arbor Day'."

The formerly white screen shows a rectangular object.

"Maybe you need a greeting card. Well, Jack Bauer Greeting Cards Corporation has come out with over a dozen greeting cards for all of your needs. For birthdays…"

'It's your birthday?' The card said, 'How old are you? Tell me, or die!'

"For New Years."

'The following takes place between 11:59 PM and 12:00 AM.'

"For those sick days."

'The terrorists have poisoned you. Get dead soon!'

"To tell someone you love them."

'Whenever I see you, I want to…' And inside of the card, 'Kill you so that I can mourn.'

"Or just a 'whenever' card."

'Get down!'

END OF COMMERCIALNESS!

"Ugh, now I feel better," Jack said as he left the bathroom, "Man, I'd been holding it for days!"

Jack sat back down in his cubicle. He was about to play with his army men again when the phone rang. You know, that really cool CTU phone sound that you have on your cell phone. Jack picked up the phone.

"Jack!" The voice said.

"Hey, Chloe," Jack said, "How'd the MMORPG go?"

"I pwned them," Chloe said, "But that isn't important now! You have to come!"

"Where are you?"

"In the cubicle next door."

Jack Bauer looked over the cubicle wall. Chloe waved to Jack.

Jack sat back down in his chair, "Okay, I'll be right there," He hung up the phone and walked the ten feet.

"Okay, we need to decide on the new head of CTU."

"Okay, are you ready?" Jack asked.

"Yep," Chloe said, "Let's spin the wheel of power!"

Chloe pulled a small roulette wheel from one of her desk drawers. The tiny wheel was marked with the names of familiar people who have existed over the last couple 24 Seasons.

"Can I spin it this time?" Jack asked.

"Okay," Chloe said.

Jack spun the wheel.

Lots of names came up…Kim Bauer, Asaad, Nina Meyers, Oscar Meyers, What's-His-Name, Mr. Nobody-Remembers-Me, What's-Her-Face…

"Looks like we have a winner," Jack said, "Wayne Palmer is the new head of CTU."

"Well that's a step down for him," Chloe said.

"What ever happened to David Palmer?" Jack asked, "He was awesome."

Chloe flipped on the TV, which was currently showing an All State commercial.

"…Mr. Change-Your-Pants-While-Driving," David Palmer said, "Now that the interesting part is over, I'll begin saying something boring that you'll tone out…"

"That's what happened," Chloe said, flipping the TV off just as David Palmer began singing along with that catchy song that plays every All State commercial.

"Hey, look!" Jack said, pointing at a jumble of utter nonsense on Chloe's computer screen, "I think it's trying to tell you something!"

"Hey, I've got a new e-mail," Chloe said. She typed in some random keys on the keyboard rapidly, using some no-mouse action, and brought up the e-mail, "It says that we're supposed to meet at Useless Room #3 for a presentation and donuts."

"Sounds fun!" Jack said. The two only competent CTU workers headed for Useless Room #3.

When they entered, they soon realized that there were no more donuts!

"Where are the donuts?" Jack asked the janitor.

"I don't know," The janitor replied. His name was Steve.

"Where are the donuts?" Jack roared, using his 'interrogation voice'.

"I dunno, I guess everybody took them already," The janitor said. He then had a heart attack, just because Jack Bauer glared in his direction.

"Forget the donuts, we need to watch the presentation," Chloe said, gesturing to the rest of the CTU workers, who were sitting indian-style on the floor in front of Wayne Palmer, who was addressing them.

Jack and Chloe sat down and watched.

"Hello, CTU workers," Wayne Palmer said, "Welcome to the CTU training video. This video will teach you the basic things you'll need to know to work here. Without further ado, the video."

A projector turned on, shining the video onto the wall. A black-and-white image appeared on the screen. Milo stood there, doing nothing. A voice from the speaker began to speak.

"Why hello there, Milo," Wayne Palmer's voice-over said, "How's it going?"

Milo gave a thumbs-up.

"Good. Because it's time to learn how to become a CTU worker. Are you ready?"

Milo nodded 'yes' enthusiastically.

Jack was sitting indian-style next to a house plant. Suddenly, he noticed that the person sitting next to him was eating a donut.

"Hey, gimme your donut," Jack whispered.

"What? No! Leave me alone!" The CTU worker said, and turned away, deciding to ignore Jack.

"I said gimme your donut!" Jack yelled. He aimed a gun threateningly at the CTU worker.

"No, I'm not giving you my donut!" The worker said.

"Come on, I've got a barely-used Nintendo DS that I'll trade," Jack said.

"Leave me alone, I'm trying to watch the movie!"

"…the first thing to learn," Wayne's voice-said, "is 'How to interact with fellow employees'."

Milo looked interested.

"Yes, every day, there are two or three new CTU employees. The new guys. TNGs, for short. New friends, you may think? No. You must be wary, for at least half of all TNGs are terrorist spies!"

Milo frowned.

"Yes, half of them are your enemy. You must watch them closely. Remember…the new guy is your enemy!"

Milo smiled and nodded.

"The second thing you need to know is 'The work ethic'."

Milo looked interested, once again.

"Yes, you must always put your work first. Never, ever, ever eat or drink anything on the job!"

Milo frowned.

"Yes, that's right. You get more work done that way. Anyway, that isn't as important as the final thing. 'Logic'."

A gun appeared in Milo's hand. Milo looked at it and grinned happily.

"Yes, the gun is alluring, eh?"

Milo nodded.

"But you cannot use it! You see—wimpy CTU workers and guns don't mix! You could hurt yourself! Don't try to be a hero! Let's have a reenactment to emphasize my point!"

Two ninjas walked in from off-screen and aimed their guns at Milo.

"Now try to fight them. Don't worry! The guns are all loaded with…eh…caps."

Milo took aim, determined to beat the bad guys. But before he could raise his arm to shoot, one of the ninjas shot Milo in the arm.

"Wait!" Milo cried, "Those aren't loaded with caps!"

The ninjas shot at Milo again, hitting his other arm this time. And again. And again. And again.

"Grar!" Milo cried.

"That concludes our presentation," Wayne Palmer's voice-over said, "Remember what you've learned, viewers, and you will succeed!"

The projector deactivated, leaving everybody to ponder this video.

"Wow…that was…" Jack began, practically speechless, "The best TV show I've ever watched!"

**(A/n: Eh-heh. I've strayed from the style of the original chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. I really like the idea of CTU workers using phones to call each other within shouting distance.)**

**(A/n: Oh yeah! The review comment. If you review me, all of your wildest dreams will come true. Yes, even the one about the pony.)**


	3. Chapter 3: The Plot

24 - The Lost Season: Chapter 3: The Plot

**(A/n: What's this? Xintendation 360 isn't dead yet? Yeah, I sort of quit working on this fic for a while, but I've returned with a new chapter.)**

The following takes place between 9:59 AM and 10:11 AM.

Jack was beginning to leave Useless Room #3 when Wayne Palmer's voice came on over the loudspeakers.

"We have a problem, CTU workers. Please report to Useless Room #3 for briefing," He said coolly, "Is this thing still on? Oh, no. The red light is shining. I wonder what my mom's doing right now. I wish she didn't stop sending me cookies in packages. I wonder if my hair will ever grow back. Do you spell 'lightsaber' with the 'r' before the 'e', or after? Or is it 'lightsaver'? I saw some ten-year-olds arguing about that the other day."

All of the CTU workers were frozen in shock as they listened to Wayne Palmer's ramblings over the loudspeaker.

"How much wood could a woodchuck cluck if a could chuck could… erm… never mind," Wayne Palmer said, "But I wonder how much? Can't woodchucks chuck wood? I wonder what kind of wood? I wonder if they could chuck petrified wood. Nah. Maybe a petrified woodchuck could."

"Doesn't he realize that we can hear him?" A random CTU worker asked.

"Ahh…this chair is comfortable," Wayne Palmer said as he leaned back, "I've got some Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, some Root Beer…this is better than the Oval Office. I even have an Xbox! Too bad I don't have a TV to play it on. I gotta do something about that. Now for some Beach Boys!"

Some cool Beach Boys song began blaring over the loudspeaker. After a couple of moments, Wayne Palmer exited the office he had, which had a really great view of a bunch of people in cubicles, and stopped for a moment to listen to the loudspeakers playing the Beach Boys song that he had just turned on.

"Wow! You guys are listening to the same song I was listening to!" Wayne Palmer said.

"Uh…yeah," Random CTU worker said.

"Well, enough talk. We have work to do. Off to Useless Room #3!" Wayne Palmer said, interjecting the last sentence with a dramatic hand gesture, pointing towards Useless Room #3.

Once again, the CTU staff sat down on the floor of Useless Room #3. This time, Wayne Palmer was addressing them on something a bit more serious.

"I have reason to believe that a terrorist group is planning a bombing," Wayne Palmer said.

"A bomb threat? From who?" Random CTU worker asked.

(A/n: To avoid being offensive, I shall replace any Middle-Eastern-type terrorist factions and characters!)

"A terrorist group called the Fantastic Four," Wayne Palmer replied solemnly, "The Fantastic Four has been monitored for the last couple of months, and they appear to be planning something."

"What are the details?" Random CTU worker asked.

"For the last several months, the Fantastic Four have been buying large amounts of baking soda and vinegar."

"The two chief ingredients in a baking soda and vinegar bomb!" Jack commented.

"Yes. And they've been buying enough to attract suspicion," Wayne Palmer said, "We think they're planning something."

"Argh! Lemme at 'em!" Jack roared.

"Even though Jack Bauer can release enough pwnage to make this show called '4' instead of '24'," Wayne Palmer said, "I've decided to force him to do his awesome job my way."

"What? The slow way?" Jack asked.

"Yes."

Jack angrily sat down and pouted.

"As CTU people, our job is to investigate the Fantastic Four and see what they could be up to," Wayne Palmer said, "I'm sending a team of people to investigate a warehouse that they have been storing material in. At the same time, I'm sending another team to apprehend the Fantastic Four."

"Oh! Oh! I want to be team captain!" Jack said.

Wayne Palmer sighed, "Okay, you can be in charge of the warehouse team. Since I don't have anything to do, I'm going to be in charge of the other one."

Jack and Wayne stood side by side, beginning to choose teammates, like little kids picking teams in baseball.

"I pick that tall guy," Jack said.

"I pick the other tall guy," Wayne said.

"I pick the Asian guy from Lost."

"The guy with the afro."

"The one with braces."

"My grandmother."

"My imaginary friend," Wayne said, "His name is Steve."

The only person left was Milo.

"I can do field work!" Milo said excitedly, waving his arms.

"You can't even grow chest hair!" Jack said, motioning to the shagginess of his own chest.

"I can, too!" Milo said with a glare. He unbuttoned his shirt.

"Milo, did you tape a piece of carpet to your chest?"

Milo shuffled his feet in embarrassment, "Yes."

"What do you think?" Wayne said to Jack, "Who are you going to pick?"

"I pick…" Jack said, "Curtis!"

"Curtis is dead."

"I know, but I still want him."

"What? That means I have to have Milo on my team!"

Jack snickered.

TEH CUMMERSHOAL

"Tired of looking at the wall and not seeing the time?" A voice asked.

A little stick man standing in front of a background of notebook paper nodded its head.

"Well The Jack Bauer Corporation of Things to Be Sold has just the thing for you!"

Suddenly, a neato digital display in a stylish shade of '24 Yellow' appeared on the wall beside the stick man. The stick man was mystified.

"That's right! The Official 24 Digital Clock has finally arrived. Watch the seconds go by on this stylish clock!"

Suddenly a voice from the clock spoke, "The following takes place…"

"That's right. Every sixty minutes, hear Jack Bauer's voice signaling the next hour!"

The stick man fell asleep suddenly.

"Need an alarm clock? Well fear the leet power of the 24 alarm clock!"

An explosion sounded from the clock, and the stick man awoke.

"Want to control time? Use the clock-setting buttons to shift time in seconds, minutes, and hours!"

The Official 24 Digital Clock has no power over time.

"Ready to buy? Well for twenty-four easy payments of $23.99 or twenty-five moderately hard payments of six-hundred Pesos, plus shipping, handling, and my daughter's dentist bill, you can have your own The Official 25 Digital Clock for your wall!"

The stick man nodded.

"But wait! There's more! If you pay double the amount for the first clock, we'll throw in a second one for free! That's right! Free!"

END OF COMMERCIAL

What you say? The chapter is over? You've watched the boring commercial for no reason! Don't you hate when that happens? Oh well. Roll the credits.

Executive Producer -- Xintendation 360

Writer -- Xintendation 360

Boom Operator -- Xintendation 360

Assassin -- Xintendation 360

Catering -- Xintendation 360

**(A/n: Woot.)**


End file.
